Things never stay the same

So I'm finally in LA, the place I feel most at home but I'm here under really bad circumstances. As far as being here right now I couldn't ask for more. I have an amazing place to stay, Ive gotten to see both family and friends, yet there's a cloud of sadness and pain hovering over me. I'm not gonna go into detail about the things that are going on right now, only because I still haven't made sense of them myself. When I figure it out hopefully I'll be strong enough to write about it, but as of now...I'm not.

             -Suburban Angel

blah

all day i couldn't stop thinking about how much things will change when i move. will i really be happy when i leave or will my troubles just fallow me? im not dumb enough to believe that things will stay the same but the question is will they change for the better? how much will i change? will i lose the few things that i love about myself or will i gain a few new lovable qualities? part of me thinks that this move is good for me and the other part is scared that it may break me. its kind of a slow day for thinking so i guess that's all i've got for now.

       'til tomorrow,
                  Suburban Angel

P.S.
crystal hot sauce

teach me gently how to breathe

what happens when a person starts to lose sight of reality? does the downward spiral feel like something bad or does it feel like just another bad day? what happens when thats your entire life? does any given day even matter any more or does your life become a trail of crap you cant  cover up with air freshener? what happens when you stop caring about facebook or answering phone calls and text messages? cigarettes become your only true friend. reality tv makes no sense and art just looks like blobs of misguided paint. what do you do when the pills dont work and the shrink just makes things worse and writting about it just makes your fingers hurt? what then? do you try to fix it all and risk hurting yourself again or do you just let it all go and let the insanity take over? too many questions? get over it. if your reading this then you looking for a way to pick my brain. well here it is, the mind of someone trapped in a room with no windows or doors. the picture is never as pretty as it seems when your staring at it from a distance. go up close. look at it for what it really is. a mash up of lines and curves. a mess. messes tend to get tossed to the side and cleaned up later but what if this mess cant be cleaned up later? what if its screaming for someone to pick it up now? what if no one hears it? does it get bigger or does it just lay there lonely waiting for the next piece of trash to be thrown on top of it? what if that piece of trash is to much to handle? what happens when that pile of trash falls apart? im waiting for it to fall, for the phone to stop ringing, for my room to stop burning, for the fan to stop spinning, for my eye to stop twitching, and for my heart to stop hurting.   

                       -Suburban Angel

P.S.
sudoku helps

UGH part 2

just to finish up my little rant from yesterday about guys, i've figured out that im really bad at talking about them lol. if your friends with me on facebook, you know that just about everyday i post a song or two. well nine out of ten times the songs remind me of someone. as far as today goes, i think Darwin Deez says it best "everyday ought to be a bad day for you, but im sorry if it is". i care to much but i tend to act like i dont care at all, so i end up feeling like i've canceled myself out and im left feeling lonely.

its time to focus on me and only me (broken record much?). i have to if i have any chance of getting out of this town with some sanity left. i wake up everyday wishing i hadn't. i walk outside and its all the same. the same people, the same streets, the same bullshit. this place has become a tomb, and im done walking around like all the other Union City zombies. wake up, work, school, friends (maybe), go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. i need something more. is it really to much to ask for a slice of happiness? maybe it is, but im not one to take no for an answer. sorry small town girl, but the big city's gotta take over at some point, why not now? its time to play by my own rules. its just like We are Scientists said "although it may seem unconventional sometimes, indiscretion is worth a try, if you just play along i promise we'll be fine". 

                                        Love Always,
                                                    Suburban Angel

P.S.
TWAT WAFFLE!!! 

UGH

Why is it that boys are a part of life that every girl has to deal with? I just can't take them. One minute they're in love with you, the next minute they aren't. If you're to nice they think of you as a sister when you really want them to like you, or you pay no attention to them at all and they just want to get you in bed, or...well hell, they ALWAYS want to get you in bed. It's like a boys brain works in reverse of the way girls brains do. UGH!!! Why are they so stupid and complicated!!! On the other hand, they probably say the same thing about us girls.

So...obviously there's a guy on my mind. He means the world to me and he knows it. Things with him are...tricky at best. UGH. why am i writing this. its almost 4am and i cant stop thinking about him. its not like it matters anyway, its not like i can tell him how much he means to me, im just not good at that kinna stuff. plus i doubt it would change anything. rant, rant, rant, blah, blah, blah...UGH!!! i gotta stop typing before my brain explodes. ill finish this up in the morning.        


                                                   Love Always,
                                                             Suburban Angel

P.S.
    Cowboy werewoofs!