Things never stay the same

So I'm finally in LA, the place I feel most at home but I'm here under really bad circumstances. As far as being here right now I couldn't ask for more. I have an amazing place to stay, Ive gotten to see both family and friends, yet there's a cloud of sadness and pain hovering over me. I'm not gonna go into detail about the things that are going on right now, only because I still haven't made sense of them myself. When I figure it out hopefully I'll be strong enough to write about it, but as of now...I'm not.

             -Suburban Angel

blah

all day i couldn't stop thinking about how much things will change when i move. will i really be happy when i leave or will my troubles just fallow me? im not dumb enough to believe that things will stay the same but the question is will they change for the better? how much will i change? will i lose the few things that i love about myself or will i gain a few new lovable qualities? part of me thinks that this move is good for me and the other part is scared that it may break me. its kind of a slow day for thinking so i guess that's all i've got for now.

       'til tomorrow,
                  Suburban Angel

P.S.
crystal hot sauce

teach me gently how to breathe

what happens when a person starts to lose sight of reality? does the downward spiral feel like something bad or does it feel like just another bad day? what happens when thats your entire life? does any given day even matter any more or does your life become a trail of crap you cant  cover up with air freshener? what happens when you stop caring about facebook or answering phone calls and text messages? cigarettes become your only true friend. reality tv makes no sense and art just looks like blobs of misguided paint. what do you do when the pills dont work and the shrink just makes things worse and writting about it just makes your fingers hurt? what then? do you try to fix it all and risk hurting yourself again or do you just let it all go and let the insanity take over? too many questions? get over it. if your reading this then you looking for a way to pick my brain. well here it is, the mind of someone trapped in a room with no windows or doors. the picture is never as pretty as it seems when your staring at it from a distance. go up close. look at it for what it really is. a mash up of lines and curves. a mess. messes tend to get tossed to the side and cleaned up later but what if this mess cant be cleaned up later? what if its screaming for someone to pick it up now? what if no one hears it? does it get bigger or does it just lay there lonely waiting for the next piece of trash to be thrown on top of it? what if that piece of trash is to much to handle? what happens when that pile of trash falls apart? im waiting for it to fall, for the phone to stop ringing, for my room to stop burning, for the fan to stop spinning, for my eye to stop twitching, and for my heart to stop hurting.   

                       -Suburban Angel

P.S.
sudoku helps

UGH part 2

just to finish up my little rant from yesterday about guys, i've figured out that im really bad at talking about them lol. if your friends with me on facebook, you know that just about everyday i post a song or two. well nine out of ten times the songs remind me of someone. as far as today goes, i think Darwin Deez says it best "everyday ought to be a bad day for you, but im sorry if it is". i care to much but i tend to act like i dont care at all, so i end up feeling like i've canceled myself out and im left feeling lonely.

its time to focus on me and only me (broken record much?). i have to if i have any chance of getting out of this town with some sanity left. i wake up everyday wishing i hadn't. i walk outside and its all the same. the same people, the same streets, the same bullshit. this place has become a tomb, and im done walking around like all the other Union City zombies. wake up, work, school, friends (maybe), go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. i need something more. is it really to much to ask for a slice of happiness? maybe it is, but im not one to take no for an answer. sorry small town girl, but the big city's gotta take over at some point, why not now? its time to play by my own rules. its just like We are Scientists said "although it may seem unconventional sometimes, indiscretion is worth a try, if you just play along i promise we'll be fine". 

                                        Love Always,
                                                    Suburban Angel

P.S.
TWAT WAFFLE!!! 

UGH

Why is it that boys are a part of life that every girl has to deal with? I just can't take them. One minute they're in love with you, the next minute they aren't. If you're to nice they think of you as a sister when you really want them to like you, or you pay no attention to them at all and they just want to get you in bed, or...well hell, they ALWAYS want to get you in bed. It's like a boys brain works in reverse of the way girls brains do. UGH!!! Why are they so stupid and complicated!!! On the other hand, they probably say the same thing about us girls.

So...obviously there's a guy on my mind. He means the world to me and he knows it. Things with him are...tricky at best. UGH. why am i writing this. its almost 4am and i cant stop thinking about him. its not like it matters anyway, its not like i can tell him how much he means to me, im just not good at that kinna stuff. plus i doubt it would change anything. rant, rant, rant, blah, blah, blah...UGH!!! i gotta stop typing before my brain explodes. ill finish this up in the morning.        


                                                   Love Always,
                                                             Suburban Angel

P.S.
    Cowboy werewoofs!

 

Malaika

Nine out of ten people you talk to think I'm some tough chick with a slight soft side. Talk to anyone who really knows me and they'll tell you the exact opposite. 

After reviewing my last entry I realized that I didn't introduce myself. But then again, that's more or less the type of person I am. I tend to let people know enough about myself to be interested without ever letting them know who I am. Considering my name has a lot to do with who I am now, I guess I should start there.

If you know me, you probably think that Angel is my real name. It isn't. Malaika is my real name, but it means angel in a few different languages. 

In seventh grade, right before school was ending for summer, we had to write a paper on what our names meant. The day I was assigned the paper, a group of girls that liked to torment me decided it would be funny to push me down half a flight of stairs. I sprained my ankle and was on crutches for two weeks. A week after the incident; the day before I had to read my paper to the class, two of the girls that had pushed me tried to shove me into a wall after school. I was tired, in pain, and sick of the consent bullying, so I decided to make the pain go away. I dropped one of the crutches, picked up the other, jammed it into one of the girls stomach, and played baseball with the other girls face. Both girls fell to the ground. I picked up my crutches and walked away. A boy in my class watched the whole thing happen, but I didn't care, I was numb. I walked all the way home on my sprained, swollen ankle and didn't feel a thing. The next day as I was reading my paper to the class, the boy who had seen what I had done whispers to the boy sitting next to him "Angel?!? That's ironic, I seen her smack the shit outta some girls yesterday." I couldn't help but smile. I felt empowered. From that day on, I went by Angel. The bullying stopped.  

I became the irony. I was a soft spoken girl named Angel that would rip your head off if you crossed me. Angel was created out of fear. Malaika hid behind Angel's tough exterior and in some ways she still is.  


                             Love always,
                                    Suburban Angel

P.S.
   If you're ever thinking about calling me by my real name, dont.

Angel

A while back I convinced myself that I would be nothing more then a typical suburban girl. I live in a small but growing town with everything from three story houses to Friday night drive by shootings. I've been a theater geek most of my life but have tried just about every extracurricular activity you can think of. From ballet to football, I've done it all. For a girl who was somewhat popular, very well liked, and had the potential to be amazing at anything she set her mind to; no one could understand why I was so unhappy. My potential was my downfall. Not to sound conceited, but the fact that I was so good at so many things but never excelled at any of them wore on my confidence. By the time I was 17, I gave up on myself. 

I'm 19 now, and the scared, shy 17 year old with no self confidence is nothing more than a memory. Making the mistake of giving up on everything I could have been was the biggest mistake of my life. Starting over is a challenge but I refuse to be counted out.

I'm not really one to talk much about how I feel but I need an outlet, so I'm letting this blog be your gateway into my mind. I'll probably update every day. For such a small town, things tend to change very quickly. Let's just hope you don't get to bored with my not-so-epic journey out of the suburbs. Just remember, you can take the girl outta the suburbs, but you cant take the suburbs outta the girl.

                   Love always,
                         Suburban Angel


P.S.
   Winter sucks